Episode #039 — Maria Orrego: Why Selfish Women Have Better Sex & Success

Melanie (00:10)
Hello and welcome to another episode of Trailblazers Rising. I'm so excited for the conversation that we're going to have today with the lovely Maria Orrego. And I'm going to tell you that this conversation is going to get spicy and not just neuro spicy. So Maria, tell everybody a little bit about yourself, who you are, what you do and why we should care.

Maria (00:31)
Amazing. Thank you. Well, thanks for having me. First of all, lovely to be here. Yeah, my name is Maria. I am a sex therapist and a registered psychotherapist currently in Canada. I own and operate a mental health agency here in like the outskirts of Toronto, Ontario, and I run a group practice and I love what I do. And so it's going to be exciting to chat with you and get things a little bit more spicy around here.

Melanie (00:55)
Yeah, I like that. Let me ask, why sex therapy?

Maria (01:00)
great question. So I've actually always specialized in couples. And then as my kind of career has gone in ups and downs and arounds, I always realized that sex and like intimacy, relationships, all that kind of stuff was something that really intrigued me. I also feel like sexuality is such a huge part of our identity that is not explored enough. And so I thought I'd be a little bit brave and kind of put myself in a in a career.

Avenue that was a little bit more taboo but with the bravery of actually talking about sex in a way that was relevant to all of us and I also grew up in in kind of a purity culture Life, so for me sex always was an important thing and my sexuality was always important

And I just wanted to make sure that I could give the opportunity to clients, friends, family, the space and opportunity to talk about it because I think it's a really great thing about who we are as humans and unfortunately it usually kind of hits the dark side or the taboo side of society and it shouldn't.

Melanie (02:08)
Yeah, know, shame is such a driving factor that hinders our success as founders and entrepreneurs, especially as women and AFAB individuals and people that are conditioned and expected to sacrifice everything about ourselves for the well-being of anybody around us, strangers, family, friends, it doesn't matter, right? So the idea that our pursuit of pleasure, be it sexual or otherwise,

is frowned upon is one of the first things you have to work on if you want to be successful as a founder and entrepreneur. So let's explore.

I have a question for you, because this will start us out in the right direction. Since you work with couples and you specialize in sexuality, I have recently learned that I am not bisexual, that I am andro-sexual, meaning I am attracted to masculinity. And one of my clients told me, she goes, you know what, you're proof that you can't choose your sexuality, because I'm a raging feminist and I hate that the more masculine somebody is.

Maria (02:48)
Sure.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie (03:16)
the more I'm like, absolutely, that's what I want. Like my type is like an old Marlon Brando, like a young Marlon Brando or a young James Garner, who was the old guy in the notebook. If you look up those guys, my God, if that guy walked into a room right now, I'd drop it, leave my husband, all that shit and go right after that dude. So when it comes to couples in this day and age, whether they be millennials,

Gen X, that sort of thing. Are you seeing a big trend towards people really getting down to the nitty gritty and not just being like, I'm bisexual or I'm this or I'm that because there's, you know, there's pan now. There's so much stuff. What what trends do you see?

Maria (03:57)
love that question. First of all, thanks for sharing that. That was awesome. I am definitely seeing trends. I think the biggest trend for me, what I see, especially in sex therapy, which I really appreciate, especially being in this career for so long, is the fact that finally we're talking about sex as a spectrum and we're talking about it with the organic fluidity that it actually deserves. So.

When I was growing up, we very much fit into boxes and we very much fit into labels. And then we were also changed to those boxes and labels and we weren't allowed to experiment. So now what I'm seeing from the younger generations is that they have this beautiful freedom to accept sexuality as this fluid, organic thing that we all live with.

And we get to experience pleasure in different ways and it can change and it can be a variety of things and it doesn't have to be this one thing, one size fits all. as much as I do think from a therapist perspective, there are so many labels out there and sometimes it is very difficult to keep up with all the different labeling that there is. I do appreciate the fact that there is variety now. And so when we are learning about our sexuality, we're not chained to

what other people think we should be identifying as.

Melanie (05:13)
And this is my own personal theory. I think that the millennial generation, which is me, I'm an elder millennial. I think that we really pursued the label of our sexuality. And I think the Gen Zs and younger are pursuing their identity, not pursuant to their sexuality, right? So like in the late 90s or late 2000s, if a girl was bisexual, I was like, yeah, super cool.

but now these kids that are 15, 20, 25, they're like, oh, well, you I'm non-binary or, you know, I don't really feel like this or I don't really feel like that. So in a way, I think we've come so far when it comes to the like open sex, be okay, sex positive movement that we're like really getting somewhere. But then there's always stuff that just drags us back into the cave of...

you know, sit in your place, do what you have to do. So what would you say are like the top three things that are, what's the word I'm looking for? Releasing women from like the bounds of being judged for their sexuality. Like what are we exploring in our relationships? What are we really feeling empowered to do nowadays?

Maria (06:28)
What are we feeling empowered to do? I think we're feeling empowered to not care anymore, to be honest with you. I think we've realized that the consequences of us taking that step or doing that risk actually doesn't have that much of a consequence, right? Like we understand that we're going to get judged. As women, we get judged daily, right? We know that. I think we've accepted, especially as millennials, we've come to a point where it's like, you know what? We grew up in a pretty like...

difficult time when it came to our exploration, our identity, our bodies, right? And that shame and guilt that we've always felt. I think we all kind of passed 30 and what you know what, screw it.

I don't care anymore, right? And it doesn't matter. And so I love what I'm seeing, especially in 30 and 40 and 50 year old women, especially this exploration of saying, you know what? You can judge me all you want. I don't care anymore. I am actually going to decide who I truly am and be okay and comfortable with that.

Melanie (07:26)
Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I'm always curious about people's dynamics in their relationship. And I've heard I follow a therapist online. I forget what their name is, but they've been working with couples for a long time. And they said the number one type of couple that makes it long term is the bossy woman and the guy who says, you got it, babe. And I'll tell you what, I have been married for, I don't know, since 2006. So whatever the numbers are, I think we're coming up on 20 years together this year.

Maria (07:36)
Okay.

Melanie (07:59)
And that is us. And in fact, when my husband, when we were first dating and he went to meet my mom, the first thing she said to him was, you know, you don't really tell Mel what to do. And he goes, yeah, I know that. And I remember being like, yay, this is the one, I know it. So when it comes to relationships, you've been doing this for many, years, who do you see as the one making it long-term and who are the ones that are coming in the most often? Like what's the most common challenge?

Maria (08:26)
interesting. That's a great question. I think the relationships that I see are the strongest are the relationships where they both individuals are actually doing their individual work.

So it's the people that can go home and be comfortable in their own skin and be okay with their partner also being their own individual person. That I think is always the strongest recipe to a very successful relationship. If you can be comfortable with your career, the way that you parent, the way that you're a friend, the way that you socialize, the way that you view your body, all those things, and then you allow your partner to have that freedom as well, those two individuals can form a really beautiful relationship. So that for me is like the number

Melanie (08:35)
Yeah.

Maria (09:04)
one thing that I would say makes a great strong power couple if we want to call it. The things that bring couples in, honestly it's not communicating and I know that sounds incredibly small and I've had lots of people that say, we do communicate. I'm like no you talk to each other. That's very different than actually communicating who you are, what you need, what you want in the relationship in order to then understand your partner as well. I'm always

surprised even after so many years how many people can be in such long-term relationships and never actually share their needs or their wants or their insecurities their fears with the person they share a bed with right that always surprises me but that's the number one reason most couples come into into therapy they can come with like our sex life isn't great or

his mom is terrible and all these like symptoms. But then when we get to the nitty gritty, it's like, have you ever shared with him why you're scared, or why you need him, or what this actually does to your soul when he says x, y, and z. So there's a lot of talking and there's not a lot of communication.

Melanie (10:19)
Why do you think that is?

Maria (10:22)
Because we're not taught. We're not taught to communicate with each other. Right? And we're also not taught to do our own work. If I don't understand what my fear is, then how the heck am I going to tell you what my fear is?

Melanie (10:28)
Very true.

Now, let's get into that, because from the founder and entrepreneur standpoint, a regulated nervous system is the foundation of any sort of success. And when I say regulated, I don't mean that you have to be calm, but you do have to be aware of like, hey, that really activated me right now. I'm going to need to have some space and go process this and then be able to come back to you. Because I talk about this all the time. Part of my trauma from my shitty parents was that

Maria (10:46)
Mm-hmm.

Melanie (11:05)
They used to send me to my room when I'd have a big emotion at like five years old, right? Five, six, I remember my whole childhood being sent to my room by them saying, go to your room until you can come back and not have this, like until you can deal with this. So I remember I used to teach myself, I've taught myself how to silently scream, silently cry, silently punch a pillow. And my mom would still bust into my room and say, ruin everybody's day when you act like this. Cause my energy is just really big. I get it. I work for it now.

And it's part of my whole brand and I'm very lucky. But now moving forward with my children, I have two sons that are 14 and 16. I have a husband that I've been with for almost 20 years. They've seen me cry maybe 10 times total because now in my brain, I have to go to the bathroom and deal with this on my own. I have to process this on my own and as much work as I'm doing to regulate my nervous system. I don't honestly know if I'll ever get to a place where like I'm OK to just sit here and sob in front of anybody about anything. However.

I have come so far when it comes to like emotional flooding, which is something I've had to work with every single one of my clients on. Cause when you're neurodivergent, when a big happy or a big sad or a big mad comes over and your skin gets real hot and you start to shake because of the adrenaline, you've got to figure out how to like process that and maybe even leverage it. So what do you think is the most important thing when it comes to like...

women and relationships and regulating their nervous system, obviously doing the work on their own, but how do you think you can encourage the other people in your family to do the work?

Maria (12:39)
I love that. also will point out that we were the generation that slammed our door silently. Do you remember that? We were that generation. We were the generation that would go into our room and slam the door but quietly close it, right? And if you don't know what that feels like, you're probably not a millennial, but we had that, right? That was our generation. It's really unfortunate. What I've loved too in the field that I'm working in with mental health, the fact that we aren't parenting that way anymore and we are allowed

Melanie (12:45)
Yes.

Yeah.

Maria (13:07)
children to have full emotions is so incredibly beautiful to see, especially as a healing moment for ourselves that if I can teach this to my children and I'm giving them permission to have big personalities and big emotions.

there is also that kind of self healing that happens in that moment, right? But yeah, back to your question in terms of being an entrepreneur or like a founder, owning your own business, especially as a woman, when you do have big emotions, I think it's also not only doing the work for yourself, examining what those emotions are.

Melanie (13:26)
in her.

Maria (13:40)
But it's also recognizing and accepting that we do have them and we don't need to function like our male counterparts. I think that's a very important lesson that we need to learn that we will function as a unique being. And I think that's also important for male counterparts. They are going to function in their own unique being. I'm going to function the way that I would as a founder and you're going to function in your way, right?

But it's that level of acceptance that comes that, for example, like you said, you have a big personality, right? You're using that to your advantage because you've accepted that that's who you are and you're proud and confident in that, right?

And it's the same with any entrepreneur, woman, founder, whatever it is. If you own who you actually are, and you accept the fact that all of these things in my personality, crying, laughing, being angry, throwing these beautiful big emotions all over the place, that is what makes you who you are. And as long as it's not hurting anyone, and you're not doing it in an unhealthy, maybe like trauma response way, then it is a beautiful part of who you are. And it's

to let people into that.

Melanie (14:50)
Yeah, that's very true. OK, so you told me before that you've been in private practice for 11 years and what you're currently doing for like the past five years. My question is, when you realize that you wanted to go into just the mental health psychotherapy space, did you also know that you wanted your own practice or was that something that you figured out after getting your degree?

Maria (14:57)
Mm-hmm.

No, I always knew. So I think this goes to like the idea of being neuro spicy for sure. I don't work well under people. I always knew since I was a little girl that I would need to have my own, my own business, my own company. I also grew up with a with a parent that was a business owner. So I think that also kind of helped regulate and understand what that would look like to be an entrepreneur. So I grew up with that kind of spirit in me. It was both nurtured and nature, but

I also, while I worked for other people, I knew that the way my brain works, the way my creativity works, the way that I process information isn't very fitted to working for someone else.

Melanie (15:58)
Yeah. I feel that I feel that really deeply. The only work that I ever really did before running my own businesses was working in the restaurant industry, which I always loved. Man, there's nothing better than running around 15000 steps in six hours and bing, bing, boom and make sure it happened. Let's go, let's go, let's go. And then being done for the day and walking with cash in your pocket or in property management. And I remember going back and forth between property management, being a stay at home mom in the restaurant industry and being like.

Maria (16:11)
Yeah.

Melanie (16:27)
It's really stressful when you have to deal with people in their homes. I'd much rather deal with people and like their cheeseburgers, you know, like this is just way too much. But now as a business owner, I've learned a couple of tricks about when somebody's having maybe like not the best run in with your tech, right? So if anybody's ever emailed you and been like, hey, I downloaded your thing and it's not in my email inbox. And you can calm people down by the there's a theory that

If two people are having a dispute, only one of them can be acting enraged about it and the other one is gonna be the one that's trying to minimize it. So as a founder, typically what we wanna do is minimize, minimize, minimize, right? But if you take the opposite route, so if somebody emails you and says, hey, I downloaded your ebook and I don't have it. If you go, my God, I am so sorry, I have no idea how that happened. I hope you don't let this reflect who I am as a business owner.

Naturally, that person now has to go into minimize effect. And it has been so incredibly helpful because, you know, with psychology, what our first instinct to do is not always the best thing to do, whether it's sales or customer management or anything like that. So what are your your tips for when somebody is? I don't know, acting a little out of pocket, like, how do you get what you want out of people when they are?

being challenging.

Maria (17:55)
interesting as like a client or a customer, you mean, like, how would you do that? I love that. That's Yeah, I think I always kind of go to like my gut instinct of like, listen to what they're actually telling you. So there's a lot of noise that can come at you, right, especially as a founder. And that can be not only from customers, but it can also our clients, it can also come from the banks, the accountants, the people that you interact with your network that kind of keeps going, right, or even just like

online platforms that we use, anything. There is noise all around us and

I again from like a psychological perspective, I usually kind of approach the topic as like there's a need that isn't being met. I need to listen to what that need is. I also need to address the fact that for myself, not maybe with the person in front of me, but there's obviously going to be an insecurity of fear of pain that's coming with all this noise, right? And so with gentleness, you can address it well, and you can just be okay with what it is. And then also recognizing

this beautiful thing of if they don't want you, you don't want them, which is really important, right? And not every relationship is going to work and not every relationship needs to happen, right? And especially as an owner and as a founder, I need to be okay with rejection. I need to be okay with the fact that not everyone's going to like the service that I provide or the agency that I have or my personality. And that's okay. And accepting the fact that we're not made

everybody. And I think that's a really important thing to learn as a founder that we're not made for everybody. Our product, let's call it, isn't for everyone.

Melanie (19:35)
Yeah, that's very important. It's I'm going over that with a whole bunch of my clients right now. I'm like, listen, messaging means you know exactly who you help and exactly where they're at right now so that you can tell them this is what you're dealing with. This is what you want. I can get you there. It's so important to be targeting people who are ready for change, not targeting people who are identifying with their suffering because

People love to be addicted to their suffering because that's what made them who they are right now. Right. And I also tell people adversity is a terrible thing to waste. And most of us, especially as millennials who have service based businesses, are not willing to waste our adversity. We want to use it to help people so that they never have to go through the problems that we had to go through. So since you run a practice that has other professionals in it, right, you're not just

Hey, you have a accountant, hey, you have a social media person, that sort of thing. Tell me a little bit about what it's like to run a practice with other accomplished professionals that you are in charge of.

Maria (20:42)
Ooh, I love that. I actually, I love working with others. So we're actually all females in the agency. Honestly, it happened by accident. It wasn't like a conscious choice. We have had male therapists come through, but most of us are women. Most of us are also immigrant women to Canada, which is really cool, either first or second generation, which I find really beautiful, especially as mental health practitioners. We've curated a

culture of honesty and vulnerability and allowing each other to grow and to really be our own. So there's no competition. I don't allow competition. very much like rule that out, right? Like one one and for all we are not competing against each other. What makes one therapist a fantastic therapist is not going to make a different like the other therapist, a great therapist, right? We all have different unique stories that we come up with. We all have unique education experiences. And so we're going to

provide again that product for our client in a very unique way. one of the beautiful things that I love about my team is the fact that we're all different, but we are all very much centered in the fact that we are here to help. And that's our mission. The rest of it, the cattiness, the competition, the vulnerabilities that can come with that, those are all always spoken about very openly.

Melanie (21:57)
Yeah.

Now, what sort of, I don't know if training is the right word, but what sort of education and whatnot have you gone through to become a better leader?

Maria (22:16)
Ooh, great question. Man, you're like on a roll. I love these questions. What training have I done to become a leader? So I grew up in athletics. I was always an athlete, which was really cool. But then that also led me then to coaching. So a lot of my education in leadership comes from sports. coming from like

different types of sports really like group and individual and then coaching through that throughout my entire career. And still to this day, I still coach like my kids different sports that they're in, which is lovely.

But I think that has always been kind of my foundation because it's always worked as a team. So I didn't do the corporate leadership training because sometimes I actually look at that and I'm like, that's very top down. Whereas coaching is actually about team members and it's about creating this team environment of recognizing everyone's.

strengths and growth areas, but then building each other up and still being all a cohesive unit. Whereas when I've read or done corporate leadership training, just find it very, first I find it cold and outdated. And I also find it very hierarchical.

So like I don't want to be a leader that sits on top of everybody, right? I want to be a leader where I am just as entrenched in all of it as you are. So I would say that most of my leadership training actually comes from sports and not from the corporate world.

Melanie (23:43)
coached my kids' teams too. I had to do it for like four years when they played soccer because they were just aged differently. So they'd have to be on two different teams. And I was like, if you just put the young one with the older ones, because he's real good at it, I'll coach their team. And I always was able to do that. So I get that. And as a business mindset coach, I love rooting for people. And I love checking in with people and developing that relationship where you just say like today on Monday. So Sundays, I send a message out to my clients. It says, what's your intention for the week? Here's what mine is as an example.

and they've all messaged me back and I'm looking at all of them today. And everybody is really feeling this Aquarius new moon. They're like, I'm gonna do this and this and this this this this and this. And I went, okay. Every single question back has been, where are you in your cycle? Because if we're luteal or menstrual, can bet you $500 that you're not gonna wanna do all of those things. And how are we going to make sure that we don't run out of energy and get exhausted and stay stuck in the cycle of burnout?

So as a mental health professional and entrepreneur, what do you recommend to women especially about not getting burned out over and over?

Maria (24:53)
Yeah.

Honestly, balance and I know it sounds like such a buzzword, but it is balanced but balance that actually works for you as an individual. So for some people working 40 hours a week and then having the rest of their life around that works for them. Good for you. That's how you were made and that's how you want to function in this world. It doesn't work for everyone. actually sitting down, turning off social media and other comparisons and actually saying, okay, what actually works for me as an individual? What do I

need to do in order to always present 100 % of myself in whatever I'm doing. So for example, for me, exercise is incredibly important. Alone time is incredibly important. And so I do create my calendar around those things. Those are my priorities. I love my business, I live for my business, and I live for my clients. But I cannot do what I do unless I actually prioritize the things that fuel me, right?

So putting your calendar in like the topsy-turvy way, right, of saying, what are my needs? How do I fill them? And then how do I make everything else work? And also recognizing you're not going to be able to do it all. So drop some balls.

Melanie (26:09)
I just saw a quote on Instagram the other day that I screenshot and sent to every single one of my clients. And it says, you can do anything, but you can't do everything. And I was like, this, if you don't understand this, there's nothing I can help you with. We cannot continue living this life being superwoman. It's not possible and it's not okay. And also on the subject of exercise and physical fitness.

The best moments in your life, like the best memories, the best time periods, especially if you're neurodivergent, you can reflect on and you were the most active you've ever been during those times. Our brain will not do the things we need it to do if you're not also moving the body.

Maria (26:55)
Yeah.

Melanie (26:55)
And I wish people understood that. wish people,

if everybody listening, please understand. Most of the time when you think you're having anxiety, your body is just begging you to move it.

Maria (27:04)
It's also interconnected, right? And we are, think there is, there is a trend moving, right? Where we are realizing the connectedness of mind, body, spirit, or whatever you want to call that, like third.

of ideal, right? Everyone has different beliefs, but we are all interconnected and we need to stop thinking that my mind and my body are separate. No, my, if my body is healthy, my mind thinks differently. And if my body and my mind think differently, then my emotions will regulate in a different way. It is all interconnected and we need to take responsibility for that. yes, movement is incredibly important and incredibly therapeutic. The amount of release you can have, even trauma release that you can have by moving your

body is absolutely magical and it is I fully highly recommend that that becomes part of your like normal ritual as a woman.

Melanie (27:56)
Yeah, what are

your what are your must haves for exercise? Like what are the ones that you love? What do you do all the time? What do you see the best results with?

Maria (28:04)
I love that. For me specifically right now because I had a I had a weightlifting injury and so I started doing spin classes and honestly, they're the best thing in the world.

Melanie (28:13)
love spin. I love spin so much. I used to do spin religiously. I don't go to any gyms right now because I just can't be around that many men at any point in time. But I've actually, and everybody who follows me knows, I have been walking at least four miles a day every single day for the past 18 months or so. And I call it a CEO walk. So don't think that I'm like going out there and staring at the birds and not looking at my phone. I am literally, I walk to a coffee shop, I get a latte, sometimes I get a snack.

Maria (28:16)
Right?

Melanie (28:43)
I go, everybody goes, how do you pick your route? I said, based on where the coolest animals are, because there's a couple of cool cats and a couple of cool dogs and that sort of stuff. And I'm talking to chat GPT and I'm coming up with content ideas and I'm answering client messages and I'm making content. I'm out here, right? I figure if I scroll TikTok for half of the walk, it's better than sitting on the couch and scrolling TikTok, right? So like, go me. So when it comes to making exercise accessible.

Maria (29:09)
Yeah.

Melanie (29:09)
Do you like spin because it's a whole event where like you have to go to the gym, you have to make sure you're in the outfit, you have to make sure you have your water and everything ready. Because that's a whole thing too, to like go through the ritual of getting ready and then go through the ritual of winding down. I love spin. I can see you at spin.

Maria (29:25)
Thank you. You know what I do actually really love, because I think this goes back to this idea of like how our brains work. I love the fact that I have to sign up for a class and that obligates me to be there because like you, I also am kind of my brain is always working, right? So because of this beautiful thing of my phone that has my entire life on it and I can do work anywhere and everywhere.

I can get distracted with that. So the fact that I have to sign up for a class and show up, it just gives me that freedom to be accountable to the fact that I'm going to show up every day and do it right. But on that note of like, again, the walking and doing work that's actually very typical, especially of women that are neuro spicy, of being able to move our body, we are much more creative when we are in movement. And we get so much more done in that time.

because our body is moving and so there's that stimulation and then obviously there's the fact that we're outside which is lovely but it can also be at the gym but we are using all of those connectedness in us right in order to accomplish so much more so if you're feeling under productive or under motivated start moving your body take your phone with you if you need to to do work but your creativity will just come alive when you're actually doing those things so I love the fact that you do those walks every day

Melanie (30:46)
It's, I just, it's, and I live in such a beautiful neighborhood that I worked so hard to get to. And within a mile is like the millionaire big gigantic mansion homes on the river. So it was part of like my manifestation practice too, to start making more money. I said, I'm going to go immerse myself among the money. And now because I have pink hair and I wear a big hat.

All those rich people know me and they all wave and I wave back and we chit chat and I know everybody that works in my coffee shop and all this sort of stuff. So in a very short period of time, I really like rapidly advanced becoming the person that I want to be. I'm a big quantum leap practicer. I will quantum leap every single Sunday night just by taking an everything shower and making sure that like the vibe is right. And I don't let myself have hypothetical arguments with people that will never actually happen in real life.

Maria (31:14)
Hmm.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Melanie (31:36)
You know, you wake up Monday morning and you're a whole brand new girl. Your hair's a little bit longer. Your adjustable seat at your desk feels a little different. You know you've done a big quantum leap when your car seat feels different. That's my major sign. I'm like, I'm a different person now that stands at a different and sits in a different way because it feels like some it feels like my husband was in here. What's going on? So to get a little woo woo since you are involved with the mind, what do you think about manifestation? What are your tips, especially as a female founder and entrepreneur?

and somebody who wants to be fantastic as quickly as possible, right? We don't wanna wait 20 years before we hit a gajillion dollars, know? Whatever your gajillion dollars is.

Maria (32:16)
Yeah, I would say manifestation like goal setting Positive vibes all those things they all at the end of the day is about mindset, right? So the word has been like thrown around a thousand times this idea of mindset mindset is just the ability to actually think about What you want how you want it and how you're gonna get there

And if you want it to be, for example, that million dollar home, right, in that beautiful area, then you have to think as if you actually can get there, right? But if you're constantly putting yourself down, well, then of course you're not going to get there because you're, shooting yourself in the foot, right? So the manifestation of wanting

desiring and understanding the steps to get there, I think is incredibly powerful in anything, right? Whether that be in your therapeutic journey for like healing any traumas that you might have, or manifesting that million dollar business by the end of the year, you have to put those inputs in, in order to get your output. But those inputs are what's really important. And if manifesting gets you there, then go for it.

Melanie (33:18)
Yeah, mindset is everything. Mindset, I tell people mindset is believing that it can happen. That's, you just have to have the mindset that it can happen, right? And I tell people all the time, because people, they're like, well, how do I pretend like I have it if I don't actually have it? And this is particularly strenuous for ADHD and autism in both, because your brain is always looking to...

affirm whatever you're giving it to look for, right? So if you're looking for problems, your brain goes, here's one, here's one, here's one, here's one, here's one. If you're looking for why you suck, your brain's like, here, here, here, here, here. And so if you're trying to tell yourself that you have a million dollars, your brain's gonna go, bank account, no, la la la, no, like it's just gonna point for that. So instead to really get on the vibe, quote unquote, if you were to have a check for $500,000 depositing into your account, but your bank says,

it's gonna take five days to clear, right? We understand that paperwork, all that sort of stuff. How would you behave during those five days, knowing that you have $500,000 depositing into your checking account? You wouldn't be worried about anything.

Maria (34:20)
That's true.

Melanie (34:22)
Nothing would get

to you. Nobody would piss you off. Nothing would worry you. You would be like, nope, I'm fine. I'm good to go. I'm actually really enjoying myself. I'm having a good time. Thank you for asking. So if you can start embodying that energy and then when your brain tries to say, but it's not true, you can say, yet.

Maria (34:38)
That's right.

Melanie (34:40)
Or you can use, always tell my clients to use ing words, right? So instead of saying, I'm not good at TikTok, you say, I'm getting better at TikTok. Cause then your brain can't say no to it.

Maria (34:50)
That's true. Yeah, you're learning, you're evolving, you're creating who you are in every single step that you're taking.

Melanie (34:57)
What would you say is the best type of therapy for women that are really doing the work and want to release all that generational trauma and whatnot? Because like you said, us millennials, our kids, my kids will cook at 10 o'clock at night on a Saturday night, banging around in the kitchen, not afraid at all that I'm gonna come flying out and telling them to shut up, which was not the vibe in my house. So as psycho breakers, what do you think is the best kind of, and this could be multiple kinds of therapies,

Maria (35:19)
Yeah.

Melanie (35:27)
There's so many that I love, but I want to know from the professional, what are the go-tos for female psycho breakers?

Maria (35:35)
I would actually say I would focus less on the type of therapy and I would actually focus more on the type of therapist because the relationship between a client and a therapist is incredibly important and the dynamic that they are the modality that they use is actually less important than the relationship that you're building so if you're for example like you said an entrepreneur a founder you're a business owner and you're a woman look for a therapist that understands that because if you don't

They can have like all the certifications in EMDR, somatic therapy, DBT, all those wonderful things, which is beautiful and good for them for having them. But if they don't understand the way your brain works or the stress that comes with being on the roller coaster of being an entrepreneur, then they will not be able to help you.

So finding the right therapist, actually would say is the biggest thing to do and the most important thing. So call therapists up, email them, do the phone consultations, look at their website, find out who they are. They I have many clients that come to me on purpose because they know that I run my own business, because they understand right. So I have corporate clients that are like, I'm a CEO of this business, or I own and operate this business, I need a therapist that understands that if you tell me to take a break,

Melanie (36:38)
Yeah.

Maria (36:50)
That's not possible, right? Or to do self care is actually not something that's attainable for me right now. So again, that idea of don't focus so much on the type of therapy that they actually offer focus on who the therapist is, and see if you can build a relationship where they understand how your unique brain actually works.

Melanie (36:52)
Yeah.

Yeah. And if you trust your therapist, then if they recommend you try EMDR or somatic therapy, you're a lot more likely to do it. And the power of a referral where you go into another professional who your current professional said was good to go. Imagine the guard being down with that a lot more than going in there and having no idea what you're signing up for.

Maria (37:20)
Mm-hmm.

Exactly. And collaborating, right? There's many times where I have specific clients that I'm I collaborate with other therapists with where we can do a holistic approach and we can work with that client in different ways because we're different types of therapists, right? So don't be scared to collaborate with other people and get therapists that are willing to give you that holistic approach to actually see you as a whole person.

Melanie (37:55)
How many of your clients on average are working with a therapist and a coach at the same time?

Maria (38:01)
that's a great question. I don't think very many. I will say that there is a very, I think there's a difference between the way that Canadians see life coaching or coaching in general and the way that I think the states might see it. So.

I don't actually know off the top of my head if any of my clients actually see life coaches. I know a lot of our clients who are neuro spicy do see ADHD coaches. So I know that we have a pretty large demographic that does that. But in terms of any type of other coaching, I would say that's pretty minimal right now.

Melanie (38:28)
Yeah.

Cause I have a specific group of therapists that I refer, that I've met over the years, because there's plenty of people that come to me and you do the discovery call and I've had to say to them, I don't think you need a coach. I think you would really benefit from a therapist. And I know this great person that I think you would really, really like. And that's such an important thing to have those relationships as entrepreneurs. And we talk about this with the NeuroSpicy Academy where I'm a co-founder about,

Maria (39:03)
Yeah.

Melanie (39:08)
A lot of us don't like networking because it feels like, I just have to go to a room full of strangers and figure out how I can make money off of them. But when you shift into thinking that you're literally building your network of people that you can refer to, that can refer to you, that you can have on your podcast, that you can feature in your emails and whatnot, that's really such a great way to not only expand your audience and your potential new clients.

But to also really like level up as a professional and as an expert, if you're able to identify like, hey, I don't know if therapy is really what you need right now. It sounds like you need a coach or vice versa. And I will say too, I've been very happy in the past, I'd say 12 months to 18 months, seeing improved relationship between coaches and therapists. Cause when I started in 2020 and 2021,

A lot of therapists didn't like coaches and didn't like the idea of coaching. And I was like, okay, I mean, that's great and all, but now I don't know what the shift is exactly, but I'm here for it.

Maria (40:09)
there's definitely much more understanding of the industry. think I would say as a therapist that again, for almost more than a decade, right? There was a misunderstanding when it came to coaches and there was a lot of uneducated ones out there which made it really unfortunate. I will say though, I love the fact that you're actually breaking a huge generational trauma for most of us of the fact that you are connecting and networking with other women and then referring to other women because

Melanie (40:37)
Wait.

Maria (40:38)
We didn't grow up with that, right? We didn't grow up in an era where we didn't compete against other women or we were allowed to say, she's actually much smarter, more educated, more experienced in this realm than I am. We saw that as a weakness. And I really appreciate the fact that you're consciously making a decision to change that around for us.

Melanie (41:02)
And you you remember when we were younger and we were afraid to ask a question because we didn't want to seem stupid. And now I'm like, wait, I don't think I understand it. Can you explain it to me like I'm 10? Like I'm OK to just say, wait, I still don't understand. I have dyslexia, have dyscalculia. I'm trying to pay attention to you, but like it's not clicking. And that's OK. Sometimes with delayed processing, it takes a long time for things to click into place, which is why we all have epiphanies while we're driving or while we're in the shower.

Maria (41:07)
Yes. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. But what a beautiful thing that we're allowed allowing ourselves to ask questions again, right to actually speak up and use our voice and to be brave enough to say I have no idea what's going on. And that's okay.

Melanie (41:34)
Yeah.

Yeah, you've mentioned the word holistic many times. What made you want to have a holistic practice as opposed to like a more traditional corporate practice?

Maria (41:53)
The holistic aspect for me is important because of that connection between mind body and soul I think that unfortunately especially when it came to mental health and even just like health care in general there's always been this ridiculous divide of

doctors being against mental health or mental health practitioners trying to get a doctor on the phone in order to collaborate and it was impossible. So bringing on a naturopathic doctor and a registered dietitian to our team for me was incredibly important so that we could all collaborate and have a conversation about the one person that we're trying to help.

because unfortunately we've always been severed from the healthcare providers and we've always had, again, this weird competition of what's what and who knows what and who knows more and who's educated in what, where we're all trying to do the exact same thing and just try to help this individual and we should be working together. So the idea of becoming a holistic agency was always top of mind and always necessary for me.

Melanie (42:56)
I want everybody listening to understand that holistic doesn't mean hippie dippy natural. It means the entire person, the whole person, top to bottom, inside, outside, mind, body, spirit, like you said, right? And holistic, it's such a bad rap in some groups of people where like, it's holistic. I'm like, all right, all right, buddy. But also understand that a lot of Western approaches, if you were to just go to your primary care doctor and say, I think I'm depressed, they say, here's a pill.

Maria (43:03)
Exactly.

Melanie (43:25)
that I get paid a lot of money to hawk to you and then not even ask you what your lifestyle's like, not even ask how's your relationship, how is your house, do you live in filth, do you have access to all the things that you need, right? Like when I realized a couple of years ago how important lifestyle was, I like, made it part of my mission for everybody to understand. I'm not gonna be able to help you elevate your business and your brand if your home is a mess.

Like there's so many things. what are, if you could recommend to everybody watching and listening, three lifestyle changes to make to really improve their mental health as women, as founders, as entrepreneurs, as people, as women in relationships, what would you say that is?

Maria (43:56)
Yeah.

Okay, I'm to use a word that usually gets a bad rap like you said, which is be selfish. Take care of yourself, be self. It is not a negative thing to take care of yourself and to be selfish. If you're a parent or an entrepreneur or a partner, all those things. Yes, it is lovely to pour love and attention and time into other people. You cannot do that effectively.

Melanie (44:13)
Yes.

Maria (44:31)
or in a healthy way if you are not first selfish and pouring into yourself, right? It's the idea of pouring out of an empty vessel. We all know it, but for some reason we have this disgusting view of putting ourselves first and it affects us negatively. So I would even say like my top three is that be selfish and then build your list. What do you need those three things to be in order to then be healthy, productive,

attentive and present with the people and things that you're doing in your life, build your list and it's going to be unique to yourself, right? Some of us exercise is the first thing for others. It's going to therapy every week for others. It's having healthy relationships with the people around you or socializing friendships, whatever it may be. Having that idea of selfish is positive needs to become more and more common for us, especially as women.

Melanie (45:28)
would also imagine in the world of sex therapy that there's plenty of women that could be a little bit more sexual or a little bit more selfish in the bedroom.

Maria (45:35)
Oh, 100 % Yeah, and it's so sad that we're not. It's so sad that we still that even today in 2025, there is still a huge discrepancy when it comes to even equality in the bedroom. And yeah, I would say that that's just a huge thing that needs to happen. The selfishness, the communication that needs the ability for your partner to listen to you. Yeah, all of that needs to change.

Melanie (46:04)
For sure. And I would tell people too, if you're not happy in your relationship 70, 80 % of the time, let's take a look at what it is that we're really doing, especially as women and AFABs who were socialized and conditioned to not even like, we were conditioned to self-abandon. We were conditioned to ignore all of the signs and signals from our body and

We are the most intuitive of the species. We all know that. Everybody knows that. So really focusing in on connecting with that inner guidance and doing the things that you need to do in a very selfish way. I agree. I think people need to be 90 % more selfish than they are.

Maria (46:50)
Yeah, and again, listening, right? Listening to your gut, your intuition, the things that your body are telling you, because you're right, we have been conditioned and programmed to stop listening to that. Why? Because it's scary. Because it's scary for the people around us. If she listens to her body, if she listens to what actually is going on, that means either that person has to change or adapt, right? Or it could cause...

some havoc, right in a good way. But that's scary for people around us, right? So yes, being selfish, listening to your intuition and your gut. And you're right, you need to examine what percentage of your relationship is healthy and good and actually serving you what percentage isn't and then deciding is that percentage something that I can address maybe in therapy, maybe with a coach, maybe with family and friends? Or is it something that actually means I need to let go and this chapter is

over and that's also okay and we were not programmed to think that way.

Melanie (47:49)
Yeah. And you know, understanding too, change is fundamentally scary. The brain was not made to make you happy. The brain was literally only made to keep you alive. So it's really a choice to say, okay, especially as a founder, especially as a mom, especially as a partner, really pouring into yourself, putting your own needs first and then saying, now I'm going to be helpful to others, right? And you said earlier too,

Maria (47:56)
Yeah.

Melanie (48:19)
how much alone time we mean. I have told my children before, I have looked right at them and they weren't cleaning up the way they need to. And they're teenagers, they're very well equipped to do all the things around the house. They have better eyesight than me or their father. They can see the dog hair balls going around. And I have looked right at them before and I said, do you want me to go back to being a screaming ass woman? And they go, no. And they go get the vacuum and they start wiping down the counters. So if you can make that switch, that big scary change.

to be the person who advocates for themselves and who speaks clearly and doesn't have to yell all the time, shout out to all the moms out there, then it becomes a leverage tool where you can remind people, hey, remember how I used to be? And they go, yeah. And you go, do you wanna go back to that? Nope, okay, let's go everybody. It's an accountability tool, really, if you think about it.

Maria (49:07)
Yeah, and to yourself, Because then you start thinking like, uh-oh.

I don't want to be like that or I don't want to behave in those ways. So it keeps, it's that little flight that goes off like, I got to go back to my list of three things and I got to look at those. I got to be selfish. I got to understand what's going on inside of me and make those adjustments. Cause obviously this isn't working, right? It is again, yeah, that accountability tool for ourselves and for the people around us and using that voice that we do have inside of us that is incredibly beautiful and loud to come out and say, this is my need.

Can we talk about it? Can we have a conversation about that? Can we all get on the same page? And what's your need? Let's work it out.

Melanie (49:49)
Yeah, absolutely. my God, it's been so nice having you on the pod. knew this was going to be a fantastic episode. So why don't you tell everybody where they can find you, where they can follow you, all that good stuff. It'll definitely be in the show notes. So don't worry if you miss anything. But, you know, plug your spot. Tell us.

Maria (50:05)
Yeah, wonderful. If you want to like send me a DM on Instagram, then sex off the pedestal is my handle. threads is also a great way to connect with me. But all my information is on their website as well. So everything sucks off the pedestal or using my name, you can find me anywhere.

Melanie (50:23)
god, Maria, thank you so much for being on the show today. I am so excited for everybody to see this episode. And for everybody watching, remember, I love you all equally and for different reasons, but I need you to take care of yourself and we'll see you again really soon. Okay, bye.